Sometimes I really wonder about the world. I mean, I often really wonder about the world, but sometimes I just sit back and think to myself “someone thought this was a good idea” and then I laugh to myself maniacally for a bit. Such was the case with my new phone, which has a camera app with a “Beauty” mode and a “Make-up” mode. No more will I have to apply mascara! No more will I have to put on a layer of foundation so thick that no one can see my pores! No more will I have to buy eye shadow! (Full disclosure: I never do those things anyway. The only time you’ll see me in make-up is if I’m out at my husband’s office Christmas party or something. Otherwise I let my blemishes and pores shine on.) But now I can create the illusion of wearing make-up. It’s like Alternative Facts for my face! It’s so exciting. I just take a selfie with the make-up mode enabled and suddenly the world thinks I look like this:

That’s right! You too can look like a cartoon with the click of a button. I would also like to point out that my make up mode is drunk. Notice how my mobile make-up artist applied fake lashes to the INSIDE of my eye? Yeah, that would hurt in real life. I’m also annoyed about how the grey that has been taking my hair hostage since the birth of my daughter is strangely enhanced in this photo. Beauty mode my ass. When you can give me perfect hair colour and make it look like I’ve had a shower more recently than two days ago maybe I’ll start buying into this. At least the pink lipstick is mostly contained to the contours of my actual lips. This mode also “enhanced” my eyebrows by trying to give them a more structured shape.

Although, this might actually be useful if I need to take a picture of myself after two days of baby related sleep deprivation. While I doubt 30-something moms are the target audience for this bizarre phone feature, it could be that we’re the perfect candidates! It’s strangely comforting knowing that if I look like total shit one day I can whip out my phone and apply some illusory make-up to my face. Now if only it could apply a fashionable wardrobe and help me lose the pregnancy weight I’d be all set.